Oh Hello

Its been a while. Too long. Life is pure chaos and this has been one of the worst months of my life I believe. My soon to be ex husband (I don’t even know what to call him. I need to think of something) goes back and forth between psycho and too nice. It’s exhausting trying to keep up with his moods. I never know which guy I’m going to get. Neither is particular fun, but I’m trying to cope with that. The good news regarding him is he found a therapist. Finally. I hope she can help him.

I found a therapist too. I love love her. She’s the sweetest person I’ve ever met and she gets me. Like gets me. But sessions are hard. I’m struggling with accepting help and talking about hard things from my past. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done and I’m terrified every week to go back. But I do. And I’m always grateful afterwards that I made that choice.

I was in the hospital a few weeks ago. E-Coli. Awful awful and I felt like death. I don’t know what I ate to get it but it knocked me on my ass and dragged me through glass. I let the soon to be ex take care of me. Bad choice looking back on it, but really the only choice I had. Although I will be honest and say it was a little bit nice to be taken care of for a change. I’ve never been taken care of when I was sick and it felt good.

I had 2 panic attacks at the hospital. I honestly thought I was having a heart attack and that I was facing imminent death, but no, it was a panic attack. I’ve never had one. And I never care to have another. My unraveling in combination with being really ill was not a good combination.

It’s been a dark month for me. Really dark. I’ve stopped my furious exercising and have been eating like shit again. Putting back on the weight I worked so fucking hard to take off. I am pissed that this self hate thing I’m so good at is tearing me apart.

I’ve pushed everyone far away from me. I still message C daily, but it’s maybe once a day and only for a minute. Girl J must think I hate her and barely messages me anymore. Boy J never messaged me a lot, but I know he’s disappointed that I’ve stopped working out and taking care of myself. He was holding me accountable and I failed him. More importantly, I failed myself.

How did I get here?

And how the fuck do I get back?