Someone probably very smart said “Don’t look back. You’re not going that way.”
However, going back in my blog is actually pretty fun. Well mostly fun. I see my cycles of depression and mania and everything else in between. I almost forgot how much I was in love with her at one point. Not that my feelings are gone or anything by any means, but they seem to be in a much better place now.
I made her my life. Yes, I started this blog so I could talk about her, but lost myself somewhere along the way. I have things I’m proud of. I have children I love more than life itself. And I still have that husband who is saving money for a divorce, but he loves me desperately. It breaks my heart. So here’s me: in a nutshell.
-I am not a high maintenance kind of girl. I like to get pretty and I like to dress up, but I do my own hair, nails and most of my clothes come from funky thrift shops. I’m not impressed by people who throw money around. My house is decent and I have some nice things, but they didn’t cost a lot.
-I think that women are the most beautiful thing in the world. I mean, this one is obvious, but even all the non lesbian women or bisexual women attract me too. Not in a sexual way, just like I want to admire their beauty. And I do. My hubby loves that I check out women with him. Maybe he won’t when I come out to him, but it’s fun for now haha.
-I’m a generally good person. I don’t lie much, I don’t steal ever, and I would give you the clothes off my back if you needed them. I don’t have a lot of money (perk of being a social worker) but I would be poor to take care of people who need it. My husband does not appreciate this quality in me one bit. He says what’s ours is ours. No sharing. I say screw that. It’s a huge difference of ours.
– I have two of the most amazing children that a mother could ever ask for. Despite our sort of dysfunction we have , my kids never miss a beat and understand everything in amazing ability. My daughter is 14 and just started high school. She’s trying to find herself and I’m doing my best to let her do that in an appropriate manner. She forgets she’s 14 sometimes and doesn’t realize that old nasty dudes can see her butt hanging out of her shorts and see her “way too mature” cleavage hanging out top. Not that she dresses like that or I would let her out of the house like that, but it’s been a little more flexible around here lately. And really, I’m glad that she loves her body. It’s so amazing to me that a 14 year old is capable of having confidence without being a bitch about it. She’s the sweetest most helpful kid you’ll ever meet. She loves everybody and is nice to everybody. And even though she’s in that “popular” crowd, she never says a mean thing about anyone and will pull in less popular kids who deserve a chance. Because what is popularity really? It’s a bullshit word. Every kid is awesome in a different way. And thankfully my A sees that. And she loves me. She still snuggles in bed with me sometimes and hugs me in front of her friends. At school. No. Joke.
My son is equally amazing. He’s 16, a senior in high school, takes 2 college courses on top of that and recently got a job too. He’s so motivated and when he sees something he wants, he will work til he has it. He wants to be a lawyer. And let me tell you, that kid will be an amazing lawyer. When he was around 10, he would make powerpoint presentations on things like why we needed a dog, or why he needed a phone, or why we needed a Disney vacation. Who can argue with that? Amazing logic. There’s something special about him too. We think he might be gay. He currently has a girlfriend, but maybe he just doesn’t know it yet. Or who knows, maybe he’s not. But if (when) he comes to me later in life, I won’t be surprised. And we have had many discussions about this and we have made it crystal clear that he will be loved and accepted and celebrated for whoever he might be! So he knows. Nothing would change my love for him. But from the time he was 2, I wondered. He would say things like “he is a beautiful boy and I would like to marry him.” And he proposed to his male nurse when coming out of anastethia around 5 or 6. Puts his hands on his hips and wanted to be a Powerpuff Girl for Halloween. And last year, at 16, did full drag for Halloween. And I won’t lie. He would be a beautiful daughter if that’s what he wanted to do too.
-Our house is pretty open. I like it that way. We can be in underwear around each other. My kids still go in the bathroom and have conversations with me when I’m on the toilet. So all you parents who can’t wait til they outgrow that I say this to you: Take it. Every moment. I don’t care if I’m on the toilet or in bed or on the couch or on the roof. I will listen to my kids talk to me 24 hours a day if they want. Because those kids who don’t talk to their parents do just that: Don’t talk to their parents. I know all the ins and outs at school and who loves who and who hates who. I know who’s had sex and with who. I know far more than any parent hands down. But here’s the thing: I don’t run around talking about it. There was one situation when I had to call my bestie because her son was in danger, but I don’t regret that. That could have been lifesaving. So listen to your kids. Little things turn into those big things. When they come home and want to talk to you about peanut butter, listen. When they ask your advice on what shoes to wear, offer your opinion. When they ask questions about things that make you uncomfortable, answer them the best you know how. Use google if you have to. I’ve done it. And I’m glad I got to see what a Dirty Sanchez was before my daughter at 8 years old. When they come home and ask about birth control (haven’t had that one yet myself), talk about it. I plan to. Shaming our kids leads to low self esteem which leads to bad choices which leads to awful things like rape and suicide. I couldn’t live with myself if I thought I had any part of that.
Anyway my kids are awesome. Don’t get me wrong, they can also be assholes sometimes. But so can I so I don’t expect perfection.
So yeah that’s pretty much me. There’s a ton more, but really I could write a book about it. But I’ll give you bits and pieces too. If you want them I mean.
Maybe you come in for C and J posts only.
I don’t know.
Share with me. Please