Oh Hello

Its been a while. Too long. Life is pure chaos and this has been one of the worst months of my life I believe. My soon to be ex husband (I don’t even know what to call him. I need to think of something) goes back and forth between psycho and too nice. It’s exhausting trying to keep up with his moods. I never know which guy I’m going to get. Neither is particular fun, but I’m trying to cope with that. The good news regarding him is he found a therapist. Finally. I hope she can help him.

I found a therapist too. I love love her. She’s the sweetest person I’ve ever met and she gets me. Like gets me. But sessions are hard. I’m struggling with accepting help and talking about hard things from my past. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done and I’m terrified every week to go back. But I do. And I’m always grateful afterwards that I made that choice.

I was in the hospital a few weeks ago. E-Coli. Awful awful and I felt like death. I don’t know what I ate to get it but it knocked me on my ass and dragged me through glass. I let the soon to be ex take care of me. Bad choice looking back on it, but really the only choice I had. Although I will be honest and say it was a little bit nice to be taken care of for a change. I’ve never been taken care of when I was sick and it felt good.

I had 2 panic attacks at the hospital. I honestly thought I was having a heart attack and that I was facing imminent death, but no, it was a panic attack. I’ve never had one. And I never care to have another. My unraveling in combination with being really ill was not a good combination.

It’s been a dark month for me. Really dark. I’ve stopped my furious exercising and have been eating like shit again. Putting back on the weight I worked so fucking hard to take off. I am pissed that this self hate thing I’m so good at is tearing me apart.

I’ve pushed everyone far away from me. I still message C daily, but it’s maybe once a day and only for a minute. Girl J must think I hate her and barely messages me anymore. Boy J never messaged me a lot, but I know he’s disappointed that I’ve stopped working out and taking care of myself. He was holding me accountable and I failed him. More importantly, I failed myself.

How did I get here?

And how the fuck do I get back?

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Down That Dark Hole

Unfortunately I have fallen down there. I keep coming to this page and the words don’t come. The feelings don’t come. Nothing comes. This depression is affecting my life. My work is noticing and I’ve pushed most of my friends away. C is pretty much the only one I talk to and it’s not as often as usual. I know she’s feeling hurt and ignored but I don’t have anything to give her. I lay in bed most of the day and cry. I’m not this person.

I started therapy today. I have PTSD from traumatic things I experienced in childhood. You would think being in the mental health field, I would have seen that. But no. Completely blind sighted. But it makes perfect sense.

The hubs is going crazy with the separation. Like suicidal-ish crazy. The guilt I feel is immeasurable. I have to stay strong and stand by my decision but it’s not easy. I don’t hate him. I just don’t love him. And that kills both of us.

Girl J, oh where do I start with her? We’ve hung out a few times and took a fun road trip a few weekends ago. I love her but she’s hard to keep up with. Any feelings I thought I had for her just aren’t there anymore. I’m glad I got that first lesbian crush out of my system before any bad decisions were made. She’s an awesome person and a great friend but she feels pushed away by me. And I know I have pushed her away. I can’t help it. I just hope she understands.

Boy J and I text or email almost everyday since I started working out. He comes to work out with me sometimes and pushes me to places I never knew I could go. I’ve lost 20 pounds in the last 4 weeks. He’s the motivation I need to get out of bed and move my ass. Nothing else has happened between us since that one time. Just friendship and I’m ok with that. I vent about my life and he vents about his. I think in another universe, we are actually pretty perfect for each other. But in this life, it just isn’t feasible. And it feels good to be 100% ok with that.

Anyway, that’s my not so short update. I hope I snap out of this depression soon because it’s unbearable. I’ve never felt like this.

Really I don’t feel anything.

Confessions

This isn’t an easy post. Not by a long shot. I’ve been quiet I know. It’s been a wild last few weeks. And not wild in a good way. I haven’t been honest. With you or with myself. I think part of me fears my blog being discovered. That would be life changingly awful at the moment. But here goes anyway….. I need to free myself from this. And I know I may be met with judgement and criticism, but hell, I deserve it.

Remember I told you about Boy J? Well here’s the thing. We have been flirting for a really long time. I never really thought much of it, it just seemed funny at the time. His sense of humor is very much like mine, so we just come right back at each other with witty things. I sort of thought about him a little bit. Not in a major crushing sort of way, just thinking he’s a cool guy. We started emailing each other funny memes, and then started texting a little bit. One night he won a pool game and he asked what prize he had won. So insert sexual tension here. And then this happened…

We were texting about his dog (he has a very smart and awesome dog) and I said I wanted to meet her sometime. And he tells me that his roommate is out of town and that my hubby and I should come over and meet her that day. I pondered this for a while… At that point I wanted something to happen. I had told him earlier in the day that he needed a friend with benefits and he asked me if I knew anyone. It was very obvious that I was talking about me, but he’s polite and doesn’t say anything because he doesn’t know that the hubby and I are separated. So I text him back and tell him that my hubby is at work (which he was) but I would come over if that was ok. So he says sure and I go over there. I’m not sure at this point if he has any interest in me or not, but he’s a cool guy and even if he wasn’t, he’s fun to hang out with.

The sexual tension is obvious from the first minute. I wanted him. I can’t explain why, but I just needed to feel wanted too. We talked a lot about life, religion, relationships, and everything in between. We have a lot in common and share a lot of the same opinions. And his dog is completely awesome and smart. I told him that my hubby and I were separated but living together. He said something to the effect of “wow, you’re making it really hard for me to resist you.”

We had sex. Like amazing sex. Like the kind of sex you read about somewhere. The minute he kissed me, I knew I had to have him. Someday I’ll write another blog post about the experience, it’s deserving of its own post. But it was amazing. When we were done, we cleared up any awkwardness and established that we would be be friends with benefits. No affair, no messy feelings, no drama.

I should feel like the lowest of the low. Scum of the earth. Awful human being. Why don’t I? I have had not one feeling of regret, not a shred of remorse. Who have I become? I don’t know this person. He’s literally only the 3rd guy I’ve been with in my 35 years. I don’t make a habit of such things.

He has been my motivation for working out, for getting my ass in gear to lose weight and take care of myself. And I have been. I’ve lost 12 pounds in 2 weeks, eating heathy and working out. Really being good to my body. I feel better than I have in a really long time.

But life is hell the last few days. Something in me snapped and I knew that the living situation between my hubby and I wasn’t working out. He wasn’t understanding our roommate agreement and constantly pushing the limits. So he’s moving out. Well mostly moving out. I’m going to go to my moms twice a week so he can come here and spend time with the kids. I didn’t want to uproot them. Make them move around. They are older but still need stability. So we decided it would be best to do it that way. The hubby is a mess, and almost stalker like in his texts to me. But I knew 6 months ago that I was done. I told him every way I could. He doesn’t get it. Now he’s beginning to.

This has nothing to do with Boy J. It might seem like it given the timing, but it’s unrelated. Stuff with the hubby has been lingering for months. I’m not sure when or even if Boy J and I will hook up again. He’s a good friend and has been really good at motivating me, and I’ve been motivating him to reach some goals too. I try and find him dates on pool nights. I know people say it’s not possible for friends with benefits to work out, but so far it seems to be working. I hope he finds an awesome girl, he deserves it. He’s not really my type and I’m not his type either, but we just mesh and it seems to work out in a weird way.

Anyway, that’s my confession. It’s a big one. Not something I would ever normally consider doing. I don’t know what it is about him that made me want him so much. I guess we are both at a place in our lives where the sexual tension was too much. It had to be taken care of. And it was.

Like “biting the bottom of my lip sexy” taken care of.

I wish there was a small part of me that felt guilt.

Instead I just feel desire.

Obsession

So I have this new obsession. But it’s a good one. I promise.

I’m on the chunky side and have been putting off getting healthier for a long time. I met a new friend who is like extremely fit and healthy and he’s always flirting with me. It makes me feel good, but in a weird way it makes me feel fat too. I mean, I am not unfortunate looking or anything, but I’m always been self conscious about my weight. Anyway, the new friend (I’ll call him Boy J since I already have a J who’s a girl) and I were talking and I mentioned wanted to be healthy and he was telling me all about fitness and eating healthy.

So I decided one day almost a week ago that I was going to start eating healthy and working out. And I’ve worked out every day. And haven’t eaten a morsel of junk. At the moment I feel completely awful. My body is in shock from the exercise and lack of caffeine and sugar and crap food. But I’m sure I’ll feel better soon and I’ve already lost 5 pounds. Pretty amazing.

And having a guy friend is kind of cool. I don’t have any really. We’ve been talking a lot about our workouts and he’s totally motivating me. I’m on a pool league with the hubs and he is on our team. We basically just sit and flirt the whole time. Not in a weird way with sexual tension or anything, but he says the most inappropriate things for shock value. And I totally have a sick sense of humor so I come right back at him with it. We sit there together and try to find him dates and check out hot women. It’s pretty funny.

I’m hoping this new health obsession lasts. I feel like it will because Boy J is encouraging me so much. And the thought of being in shape and wearing cute clothes sounds amazing.

Walkin On Sunshine

That song has been stuck in my head all day.

It’s been a good week. Like a really good week. Aside from a little anxiety from my job, I really feel like I’m finding myself again. Getting back to reality and figuring out what the future holds. Good stuff.

I got to see C a few times and we have actually been texting a little less every day. Not in a bad way, or angry or anything. But I don’t think about her 24/7 like I used to. It’s nice to have control of my feelings again and not feel anxiety or sadness when she doesn’t respond to right away or message me a lot. She’s no less my best friend of course, but that’s the direction my heart has been turning. Just friends. And it feels good.

J is also just a friend. We have lots of fun together, but I think my first sort of crush on an actual lesbian is passing. She’s a totally awesome person and a great friend, but that’s as far as it goes.

I got hit on today too. A man offered to buy me a drink and told me I was beautiful.  I declined but it was still good for the confidence.

That shit feels amazing.

Looking Back

Someone probably very smart said “Don’t look back. You’re not going that way.”

However, going back in my blog is actually pretty fun. Well mostly fun. I see my cycles of depression and mania and everything else in between. I almost forgot how much I was in love with her at one point. Not that my feelings are gone or anything by any means, but they seem to be in a much better place now.

I made her my life. Yes, I started this blog so I could talk about her, but lost myself somewhere along the way. I have things I’m proud of. I have children I love more than life itself. And I still have that husband who is saving money for a divorce, but he loves me desperately. It breaks my heart. So here’s me: in a nutshell.

-I am not a high maintenance kind of girl. I like to get pretty and I like to dress up, but I do my own hair, nails and most of my clothes come from funky thrift shops. I’m not impressed by people who throw money around. My house is decent and I have some nice things, but they didn’t cost a lot.

-I think that women are the most beautiful thing in the world. I mean, this one is obvious, but even all the non lesbian women or bisexual women attract me too. Not in a sexual way, just like I want to admire their beauty. And I do. My hubby loves that I check out women with him. Maybe he won’t when I come out to him, but it’s fun for now haha.

-I’m a generally good person. I don’t lie much, I don’t steal ever, and I would give you the clothes off my back if you needed them. I don’t have a lot of money (perk of being a social worker) but I would be poor to take care of people who need it. My husband does not appreciate this quality in me one bit. He says what’s ours is ours. No sharing. I say screw that. It’s a huge difference of ours.

– I have two of the most amazing children that a mother could ever ask for. Despite our sort of dysfunction we have , my kids never miss a beat and understand everything in amazing ability. My daughter is 14 and just started high school. She’s trying to find herself and I’m doing my best to let her do that in an appropriate manner. She forgets she’s 14 sometimes and doesn’t realize that old nasty dudes can see her butt hanging out of her shorts and see her “way too mature” cleavage hanging out top. Not that she dresses like that or I would let her out of the house like that, but it’s been a little more flexible around here lately. And really, I’m glad that she loves her body. It’s so amazing to me that a 14 year old is capable of having confidence without being a bitch about it. She’s the sweetest most helpful kid you’ll ever meet. She loves everybody and is nice to everybody. And even though she’s in that “popular” crowd, she never says a mean thing about anyone and will pull in less popular kids who deserve a chance. Because what is popularity really? It’s a bullshit word. Every kid is awesome in a different way. And thankfully my A sees that. And she loves me. She still snuggles in bed with me sometimes and hugs me in front of her friends. At school. No. Joke.

My son is equally amazing. He’s 16, a senior in high school, takes 2 college courses on top of that and recently got a job too. He’s so motivated and when he sees something he wants, he will work til he has it. He wants to be a lawyer. And let me tell you, that kid will be an amazing lawyer. When he was around 10, he would make powerpoint presentations on things like why we needed a dog, or why he needed a phone, or why we needed a Disney vacation. Who can argue with that? Amazing logic. There’s something special about him too. We think he might be gay. He currently has a girlfriend, but maybe he just doesn’t know it yet. Or who knows, maybe he’s not. But if (when) he comes to me later in life, I won’t be surprised. And we have had many discussions about this and we have made it crystal clear that he will be loved and accepted and celebrated for whoever he might be! So he knows. Nothing would change my love for him. But from the time he was 2, I wondered. He would say things like “he is a beautiful boy and I would like to marry him.” And he proposed to his male nurse when coming out of anastethia around 5 or 6. Puts his hands on his hips and wanted to be a Powerpuff Girl for Halloween. And last year, at 16, did full drag for Halloween. And I won’t lie. He would be a beautiful daughter if that’s what he wanted to do too.

-Our house is pretty open. I like it that way. We can be in underwear around each other.  My kids still go in the bathroom and have conversations with me when I’m on the toilet. So all you parents who can’t wait til they outgrow that I say this to you: Take it. Every moment. I don’t care if I’m on the toilet or in bed or on the couch or on the roof. I will listen to my kids talk to me 24 hours a day if they want. Because those kids who don’t talk to their parents do just that: Don’t talk to their parents. I know all the ins and outs at school and who loves who and who hates who. I know who’s had sex and with who. I know far more than any parent hands down. But here’s the thing: I don’t run around talking about it. There was one situation when I had to call my bestie because her son was in danger, but I don’t regret that. That could have been lifesaving. So listen to your kids. Little things turn into those big things. When they come home and want to talk to you about peanut butter, listen. When they ask your advice on what shoes to wear, offer your opinion. When they ask questions about things that make you uncomfortable, answer them the best you know how. Use google if you have to. I’ve done it. And I’m glad I got to see what a Dirty Sanchez was before my daughter at 8 years old. When they come home and ask about birth control (haven’t had that one yet myself), talk about it. I plan to. Shaming our kids leads to low self esteem which leads to bad choices which leads to awful things like rape and suicide. I couldn’t live with myself if I thought I had any part of that.

Anyway my kids are awesome. Don’t get me wrong, they can also be assholes sometimes. But so can I so I don’t expect perfection.

So yeah that’s pretty much me. There’s a ton more, but really I could write a book about it. But I’ll give you bits and pieces too. If you want them I mean.

Maybe you come in for C and J posts only.

I don’t know.

Share with me. Please

It’s Been a Long Day

It’s noon. And I really haven’t been asleep since yesterday morning. I’m tired and slightly delirious.

It’s been a decent week. I’ve hung out with C a few times and hung out with J a few times. It’s hard to be friends with both and try to remain sensitive to everyone’s feelings. I love them both for very different reasons. They give me different things and that’s nice. But sort of complicated too.

I’m still trying to control my feelings for C. Some days are better than others but I always keep in mind that nothing is going to happen. It’s hard to remember that when things are going well and she’s being absolutely sweet and adorable. Which she has been lately. My pissy-ness is fading from the whole incident with J and things with her are pretty much going back to normal. I did hang out with J last night and I’m pretty sure she was a little jealous, but lately it hasn’t been in a way where she’s mean about it, which is good. I think sometimes that C struggles with so many feelings and she doesn’t know what to do about them and it’s not something she can control. I wish I could help her, but it’s something she’s going to have to figure out on her own. And maybe she never will. And that’s ok. Because it’s not my life and I will never truly know what it means to be in her shoes.

But I will always be there for her. She knows that. It’s kind of funny because I can see her so clearly and she sees that. She pushes me and isn’t nice to me sometimes, but it’s like she’s trying to figure out if I’m for real or not. Like everyone who has ever disappointed her is in my face sometimes, and she pushes just to feel loved. That’s what we all want in the big picture right? To feel loved.

I know I do.

Change

Change is the very bane of my existence.  I loathe it.  Despise it.  Dare I say hate it?

But sometimes change is necessary.  And as hard as it may be for me, I need to accept it sometimes.  I’m not quite sure what change is coming or where it might bring me, but I feel it coming.

I feel myself changing. Things like how far I can be pushed, what I choose to deal with and how I allow others to make me feel.  It is very true that I am a giving person who can’t stand confrontation.  But I feel a little feisty lately.  More willing to voice my opinions and stand up for myself.

For example, C is a very opinionated being.  Very much so.  She doesn’t like to be disagreed with.  And normally I don’t disagree with her.  But I have been a little bit lately.  Maybe her opinions are getting stronger or maybe I’m just a little more willing to voice mine, I’m not sure.  But either way, I don’t think she likes it.  It’s foreign to her to have me be like this.  Which I totally get after being friends for a while and suddenly I’m acting different.

I think my love for her has clouded my ability to see her clearly.  I saw perfection where there was not, and now this different light is not as beautiful as before,  Really, ever since her homophobic remarks and the ongoing little jealous remarks made against J, I don’t see her the same.  Don’t get me wrong, she’s still my best friend and I love hanging out and spending time together, but it’s shifting. I still look at her and think she’s beautiful, but it’s not all I think about.  I can spend time with her and not be nervous and wishing that something will happen.  It just seems like time now.  Passing time.  Not so many fleeting moments of hoping for a kiss, for anything really.

Is this what the beginning of moving on feels like?  Sometimes it’s nice and sometimes it makes me want to scream.  Today we had a conversation about the possibility of her moving in the future, and  you want to know what my response was?

“Yeah it may be a good thing for you guys to be happy.”

And I meant it.

Happy Birthday?

Yesterday was C’s birthday.  She barely talked to me all day and didn’t even “like” my post I put on Facebook with our picture and me saying happy birthday to my best friend.  I know she had a ton of work to do and was crazy busy, but I think she’s just one of those people who doesn’t like their birthday.  I didn’t get to see her yesterday, so I got together with her the day before and gave her the gifts I got for her and bought her Starbucks.

The day we did that was the day after the whole debacle with J, so it was very strained and I really feel like it wasn’t the celebration we were hoping for.  I was pretty distant and not as happy and flirty as I normally am.  I’m sure she felt it.  But what am I supposed to do?  Act like my feelings weren’t hurt and my heart isn’t broken?  I don’t do this mad thing very well.  But honestly, the homophobic remarks she made cut like a knife and part of me thinks that getting over her might be a little easier because of them.  Even if she made the comments from a state of self-shame, I am so disappointed that she would even say anything to that effect.

But she did love all of the gifts I got for her and posted every single one on Facebook that night and tagged me in them.  Although I do sort of wonder if she did that for J’s benefit, you know?  She’s not a big Facebook poster, so it was sort of out of character and I wondered if she might be trying to make J jealous.  I don’t know anymore.  I hate even having to wonder if there was motive behind it.  I shouldn’t have to worry about crap like that with my own best friend.

I messaged her this morning and we chatted for a little bit and then she didn’t message me this afternoon.  So I messaged her again in the evening and she finally messaged me back a little later.  I had a really long day at work today and sort of wanted to vent, but right when I said something, she was saying goodnight.  She told me a minute later that I could call her if I wanted, but I said it was fine and I knew she needed to work.  I think she felt bad because she told me to call her again.  So I did.  And we talked for 2 and a half hours.  I told her about work then we were talking about nothing and everything like normal.

I just don’t understand her some days.

Most days.

She’s simple like Quantum Physics.